May 2013
miamighostlights:
gundamnjack:
Off-duty sailor beats the shit out of an attempted rapist
A bus driver who tried to rape a passenger at knifepoint chose the wrong victim, a court heard yesterday.
The woman, an off-duty US navy sailor, knocked the knife from his grasp, broke it in two, bit his hand, wrestled him to the ground and put him in a stranglehold between her thighs.
Having beaten him...
purgatorystuck:
Mi papá tiene 47 años= my dad is 47 years old
Mi papa tiene 47 anos= my potato has 47 assholes
I love spanish
saltandvinegarcrisps:
i have an essay about uganda due tomorrow and this is all i have so far
toxic-ponies:
omfg today in English class we were talking about reading books and some girl shouts ”BOOKS SUCK” and the quietest girl in my class says ”yeah almost as much as you do on the weekends” even the teacher laughed omfg
freddybenson:
gamsee:
pathetic-asshole:
64kbps:
gamsee:
what do you mean i cant name my son dorito
because thats nacho son
i feel like these funny bloggers have secret meetings to make jokes and then on tumblr “coincidentally” reply with the perfect punchline that is fairly obivous. its a conspiracy.
youre right, we’re the illuminati
icarly
an-escape-artists-son:
devotionii:
devotionii:
devotionii:
devotionii:
i told a cute guy a joke today and he laughed
i have hit first base
im gonna make more small talk with him until i hit second base
he accepts my facebook friend request
HE ACCEPTED ME I’M SO ON MY WAY TO MAKING A HOME RUN
he smiled at me twice and laughed at all my jokes today
i did it
i made a home run
we...
trillow:
*on the phone with police after reporting a murder* no you hang up first
me: *pulls up to the drive thru*
cashier: hi welcome to mcdonalds what can i get for u
me: can i get a hell yeah
April 2013
sociallyawkwardjocelyn:
fnark-oreo:
thankyouforthedildos:
Whenever I’m not alone in a public bathroom I will wait until the other person flushes then pee as fast I can so they wont hear it.
i wait until its dead silent like when they’re fixing their hair and i take the hardiest piss and as i exit the stall i stare them in the face so they know my dominance over the bathroom
Two different...
nicolasiscaged:
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “hey what the fuck there’s a fucking horse in here everybody get out”
i would absolutely punch a younger version of myself in the face
“On Periods: Let’s put this shit to bed right now: Women don’t lose their minds...”
– Shakesville: Feminism 101 (via andotherdoublemeanings)
Group Assigments
Person: I have an idea
Me: So did Hitler
msjewbooty:
there is literally nothing stopping me from digging a hole. i could dig a hole right now.
uglyqt:
i feel like when i’m done with tumblr i won’t delete i’ll just let my blog sit here and then like years later i’ll come on and if anyone is still following me i’ll be like “yooooo guys look i’m grown up! look these are my KIDS! i own a fucking house damn son”
in love with a timelord: thats-slightly-raven:... →
thats-slightly-raven:
screamandshoutandletitout:
thats-slightly-raven:
thats-slightly-raven:
I dropped a piece of popcorn down my top and it went into my bra and now my boob itches and I’m dissatisfied with life.
Are you suggesting I send them my boob…
jakemalik:
*drops food on floor*
germs: go get it! quick!
king germ: no.. we must wait 5 seconds.. it is the rule
pssenger:
I want to grow up not because i hate my parents or want to get out of home but because i want the freedom to do tiny things like decided what furniture goes in my house and what colour the walls are and if i should go out at night rather than stay in doing work for once I want to decide what music to play in my own home while im cooking or cleaning and how loud it is. I want to...
pavlovs-schrodinger:
pavlovs-schrodinger:
when im older and my kid needs me to sign something for school im just gonna write “Dad” in really crappy handwriting so it seems like my kid forged my signature and the teacher calls to tell me and im just “yes no it is i dad”
i posted this when i accidentally took too much medication
screw you guys
